My Journey Crawling Out of Hell

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🩵 My Experience Healing From Horrifying Trauma and how It has led to my Mission.

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I’d say, I’ve had an abnormally hellish life, but in truth; my story is far more common than people want to believe.

I’m sharing my experience to add to the growing number of voices ringing out about injustice.

I’m going to share my context so that people can understand where I am coming from. I am sharing because people like me, who have escaped what I have escaped need to speak about such things. That is IF they feel safe enough to speak about it; which I do.

This is not to brag, just to give hope. At the time of this writing, I’m almost 40 years old. At this point in my life, I am thriving, full of life and hope. My current close relationships align with my true self. I love where I live, and I have 5 amazing cats. My body is getting healthier and stronger each day. 

I still struggle some days, but I have found peace.

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When I was a young kid, for many years; times beyond number, I was physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and religiously tortured.

I mean LITERAL extreme physical torture.

I will not go into the details. Yes, its a whole long story that I will not go into at this time. I will only speak in generalities; however, I need to be clear about what happened.

For now, I will focus on my healing journey.

It’s a miracle that I am still alive and not just a statistic. 

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In response to your questions:

How do I know it happened? → I remember it as clearly as you remember going to the grocery store last week. I have hundreds if not thousands of vivid BODY memories. I am NOT available for a gaslighting conversation in which people debate the reality of MY experience.

No, this is NOT me remembering some past life. This happened in THIS physical life. 

No, I am not available to describe the legal steps I took. I am too exhausted to go into that.

No, I will not describe how or why it happened. Perhaps in a memoir someday, but not now. I know that this is deeply unsatisfying, but I will not. I am open about the fact that it happened, but I am not available for the shitstorm that would ensue if I were to go into the details. I am only available to speak about this with people one on one. I am open to speaking about it personally; just not publicly.

I will say that the WHY of it all has forced me to dive into and find answers to the deepest universal questions.

To be honest, I often get negative responses when I am honest about my past. Perhaps, I shatter people’s bubble reality by simply existing. I have had to overcome much shame about this.

I’m not hiding anymore, but I have learned, in the fire of people’s responses; how to be more diplomatic about these subjects. The brave middle path is to be honest about the topics but not go into details.

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My Family

I am not the only person in my wider family who has been affected. Legal issues and rage have torn my family asunder. My wider family split into the Denial Camp and the “You need to accept that this happened!” Camp. Within my family, there are many stories that are not mine to tell. Half of my living relatives have passed away of old age. The horror of my family is a mess that I will not go into. I will say that in my specific case, the perpetrators are no longer alive and it’s with their ghosts that I must contend. This is one reason I feel free to speak.

My Parents and Forgiveness

My parents are still alive. After MANY years of allowing myself to rage, I have forgiven my parents for not protecting me as they should have. This is its own epic tale, but I need to be clear, I harbor no more hatred towards my parents for their failure to protect me, and I continue to take steps to repair with them. They are as devastated as I am. My forgiveness of my parents has allowed me to speak of my experiences from a place of peace instead of venom. 

Note: If you are still in the rage phase of processing grief, please do not rush it. There is nothing wrong with you. You must rage and process hatred to grieve and heal. Your forgiveness cannot be rushed. Forgiveness is the same as healing. Just as a broken bone takes time to mend, so does forgiveness. You cannot rush it; you can only support the process of healing. A bone can mend, but it will never be the same.

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“Just get over it.”

People often say to me:

• Why don’t you just get over it?
• You should be done grieving by now.
• Why do you keep focusing on the past? You should focus on the present and future.
• Why do you focus on the negative parts of your life? Focus only on the positive.
• If you focus on the negative, you will just invite more negative.

These are statements from people who are afraid to be present with their own shadow. 

Would you say, “Just get over it,” to a person who lost their leg?

Let’s say you have a person who lost their leg in a car accident. Something happened to them that has forever changed them. They cannot grow a new leg. They can get a prosthetic, and that has its own pain and challenges. But it’s CRUEL to say: Just get over it. So too with my situation. I have come a long way. I am happy and full of life. But my past has forever shaped me. 

You cannot escape the past; only learn from it.

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My Healing Journey

I am happy now, however, for much of my life I have been in a hell of pain so deep and devastating there are no words to describe it.

TO ESCAPE my hell; I have spent my entire adult life in intense, ruthless focus on my emotional, mental, and physical healing. Literally two to twelve hours a day. Often I spent entire weekends in desperate single-minded focus on my healing. All while I held down a 50 hour-per-week high-pressure office job and functioned as a “normal” citizen.

That’s what it took to crawl out of hell. It was do or die.

I cannot express how shattered the torture of my childhood left me, how severe the triggers; how deep and isolating the fear.

To escape the hell of my own Self-Hatred I had to walk down deep paths of healing and integration.

• I had to go where most people fear to tread.
• I had to embrace countless ego deaths and existential crises until I alchemized my brokenness and found true peace.
• I had to fully love and embrace myself.

It was in January of 2021; I vividly remember the moment when I fully accepted the truth of my past. I stopped fighting the memories. I stopped escaping into denial. I fully embraced my own darkness. And in that moment the su*cidal ideation that had plagued me finally and permanently lifted. I still had a long path to walk, but I was ready to commit to life. I was willing to fully BE HERE because I was no longer trying to run from my own truth.

Freedom is Owning Your Own Story.

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A Deeper Look into My Journey

Professional Medical Oversight

This is not to shame people who have but I want to be 100% clear. In spite of su*cidal ideation I have NEVER attempted or been in danger of attempting. This in itself is a miracle. I was also under professional supervision when I was going through the worst of my experiences and I am legally obligated to implore all who are struggling with su*cidal ideation to seek professional help. I will acknowledge however that the mental health system has severe limitations and many do not have access to the services they are told to seek help from. So, I am sharing my experience with the medical system.

Medication

There were times along my journey when, under medical supervision, I tried many different medications. However, because of severe immune sensitivities, none of these medications worked for me; instead, they had terrible effects. After exhausting all options, my doctors agreed: that I needed to find a path without medication. I know medication is a useful tool for many. For me, however, it was not an option. I had to find another way, and I did. This is not to cast shade on those who do need medication. Please use medically supervised medication if you need it. However, I want to be clear: I am not on any medication because I do not need it. My mental and emotional health are solid and whole without them. In retrospect I am grateful for my sensitive immune system as it forced me to find permanent solutions that I might not have had the bravery to find otherwise.

Therapy

For many years, I saw specialized and expensive therapists. Often, I was seeing them twice a week. My insurance did not fully cover these specialists. Most of the time my insurance did not cover my care AT ALL, but I was desperate. So, for most of my adult life, I felt like I was working just to pay my medical bills. I am aware: I had the privilege of a job that could pay for this medical oversight, and I am aware: most do not have that privilege. So, I am grateful, yet also VERY aware of the extreme limits of the mental health system.

To be clear

I deeply respect the medical field, and most of my family works in it. I had A LOT of professional medical help, and I highly recommend that you utilize professional help if it’s available to you.

All that said, medical help did not provide all the answers I needed to escape the hell of my shattered soul.

Professional medical help was a vital tool, but for me it was NOT the final answer.

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Alternate Paths

I had to bravely experiment with alternative paths to find the answers I needed.

I had to dive deep into meditation and direct communion with the universe to gain the wisdom I needed to fully heal.

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I am more than my Trauma.

Sometimes, I don’t like sharing my story because people see me as this broken, sad person.

I am actually very happy, funny, lively and curious.

To be honest, most days I don’t think much about my traumatic past. That’s how far I’ve gone, but I didn’t come to this planet just to heal and forget.

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Authenticity

My deepest passion is self-love and embracing ones true self. My path to self-love started in the deepest depths of self-hatred; where I was taught to reject and hate every aspect of myself. I didn’t know who I was.

We cannot be fully authentic unless we embrace ALL of ourselves, not just who we think we are.

My journey has been about reclaiming these lost and suppressed parts of myself until I put myself back together.

I may not be completely whole, but I am way more authentic than I have ever been. And WAY MORE FREE.

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I see my life as a grand experiment.

One in which I had to master deep universal wisdom to heal. I had to learn how to take my enemies as part of myself. I had to go where few dare tread. I had to learn just how deep love goes.

My Life is a Testament to the Power of Self-Love.

My writings are a record of this experiment.

Roz 🩵